Listening to: Love Me - Elvis Presley
Okay, so! Things have been very up-and-down-and-up-and-down-and-down recently. Well, particularly since Thursday. And there's been a lot of stuff that contradicts the other stuff knocking about so I suppose I should clarify for the sake of anyone who may have heard any snippets of so-and-so and this-and-that and detail what's actually happening.
So, yes, I did actually get offered a job. Which is almost cause for celebration but not quite, because I am not taking it. This probably sounds fucking daft since I've been whinging about getting a job since October and that has been my goal since dropping out, but there are a lot of reasons for it. So I shall explain.
Basically, every Tuesday I have to do a 'supervised' job search - I have to sit in the Business Centre and find at least 8 jobs. Last Tuesday I applied for one in sales and marketing, cos, y'know - I only had a couple more slots to fill in, and there are hardly any jobs I can apply for for lack of any experience, and most of the time they don't even respond. But they did actually respond that evening and invited me for an interview, which I went to; after I got back home they phoned me back and said they were very impressed and wanted to see me for a test-run the next day. So I went, did that - struggled through the cobbled streets of London in heels and everything - and went in for a final interview where they told me I'd got the job. Which was a bit exciting at the time because, well, obviously - job!!! need and want job very much!!!!
But there are a lot of problems with job. Job is not good job for me. Firstly - I was never particularly interested in it in the first place. As I said - the idea is apply for everything you can, because if you don't have a job you'll be punished (that is, you'll have to work full time for no pay). I've felt an immense pressure to just desperately try for anything I can, because I don't WANT to work and get no experience or pay from it. It feels so pointless and it's a huge waste of time - time I could spend on looking for more jobs. So door-to-door sales was never something I wanted to do at all - I only wanted to shift off this pressure and consequent shame I feel for being unemployed.
Secondly, all the work itself is based on commission, which means I would only get paid were I to actually make a sale. That would be okay if I were just looking for a bit of extra cash and already had financial stability, but I don't. I really need something that I can support myself with. So when I'll have to work all week and can make as little as absolutely cock-all, the prospect is rather a dreary one. On top of that, as far as I know, I have to pay for all my own expenses, e.g. travel, which in London is very expensive. So it's not something I really want to be a part of, because there is none of what I'm really looking for in it - stability.
And lastly, there are a lot of other things I've applied for - apprenticeships, especially - that are so much better and are starting to respond now. Some of them are so interesting, y'know - like one of them is at an art studio, and they've got ones for journalism and stuff, and those are all things I would genuinely love to do. I don't really want to throw all of those opportunities away in return for a job that I don't want and won't give me what I need. Deep down, I would rather wait a bit to see how those play out, because I would be so much happier that way.
Anyway, that's all the job stuff. I'm also getting put on a waiting list for a tonsillectomy - so these stupid cunts in the back of my throat are finally getting the chop. Bye-bye, you little bastards.
I also need to go to the doctor's again sometime next week, because I really need to be referred for counselling. It's only just occurred to me that these problems may be more serious than I've always thought and I would rather see if that's true or not. My mum is pretty certain that I have BDD and that is a horrible feeling but I suppose things won't change if I just sit around and mope. I, er. I don't really want to find out I have a mental illness though. I'd always been content with 'low self-esteem' and being 'a bit sad' every now and then.
So yes. Things are playing out not at all like I expected them to and actually much worse!! But I have to cling onto the belief that things will have to get better eventually.